Being at my bottom, broken and vulnerable, changed me. I felt completely lost and alone. But something new happened. I needed people. And when I saw how closed everyone around me around me was, my heart rebelled. It opened. When I was alone in my twenties, I felt free with every possibility before me. At … Continue reading Love
It’s October 2016. Or maybe January 2017. Either way, I’m lying in bed having just opened my eyes and find myself, again, slightly surprised to be alive. When did I finally fall asleep last night? Thank God I finally fell asleep last night. But here I am again. Another day. How do I do this? … Continue reading Am I Still Here?
This is what it looks like. Sometimes it's a grassy plateau that drops off, or a cliff of jagged rocks, but the blurry end is never more than a few feet a way. When you feel like you just don't matter, like a burden, or just not ... needed by anyone, not important to anyone … Continue reading The ‘Fuck It” Phase
I had a strange reaction to Michele Rosenthal's memoir, which is beautifully written, a compelling read and offers a hopeful ending, the kind that people who feel they're dying from PTSD need to hear. But I felt envy. I didn't envy her trauma. I envied how she was loved, protected and supported by her family. … Continue reading Envy, Guilt, Hope: On reading ‘Before the World Intruded’ By Michele Rosenthal
I was surprised to read that my dad hit me. I have earlier memories of being spanked (which is really just a more acceptable term that we relate to parenting) for minor offenses. I remember that part most of all, more than the pain or shock of being hit, that the punishment didn't seem to … Continue reading What I Don’t Remember: Second Journal Entry, Age 8
Why at the end of a life do we most appreciate its worth? It's on death beds that most people find forgiveness. I didn't foresee the early deaths of six close friends in their forties, but I knew I'd lose Jennifer. Even so, each time I listened to someone say they had been that person - that person … Continue reading Cause of death: childhood trauma Jennifer, age 46